The first draft of my screenplay First Draft I felt encompassed most of the story I wanted to tell. ‘First Draft’ is an allegory, a solidification of a metaphor which conveys how lack of genuine human connection and infinite choice can caused a damaged sense of self and a false life, in this case quite literally with the protagonist being surrounded by figments of her imagination disguised as her family.
The class read through of First Draft was incredibly beneficial as it allowed me to hear my screenplay performed by multiple actors. Adding expression to the words on the page allowed me to see how this drama would play out, how real the dialogue sounded and if character got across well enough to audience.
The feedback I received through the class readthrough was very positive. Character came across strongly, each being well defined with very different traits and strong visuals. Story moved at a good pace and everyone knew what was going on at each point, utilising three act structure well.
To improve my script, feedback focused on the message of the story. Audiences said it had not been clear enough that my protagonist Nina felt empty. In my first draft I used Nina smiling and this fading to represent how she doesn’t feel truly happy, but upon audience reaction I have realised this was not strong or clear enough.
In reaction to this feedback, I have rewritten which was originally:
NINA smiles at the two together. This smile turns into a half smile, until she isn't smiling at all.
To:
NINA smiles. This smile turns into a half smile, until she isn't smiling at all. NINA glances over to PAUL's paper, then to the fireplace.
Although this appears a very simple rewrite, it is effective as it shows visually where Nina’s train of thought is. It doesn’t just show she is unhappy, it shows why she is unhappy, with the help of subtext. Nina looking to the fireplace and to Paul’s paper implies she doesn’t want Paul as much as she didn’t want Vincent. Her problem is not solved and could never be solved whilst she is living in this false world. It is an ending which will sit with audiences as they ask questions. It is not too obvious, but the answers are there. This ending far better reinforces the message of the story and shows just how unhappy Nina is, even with “anything she wants”, whereas my first draft didn’t encompass this as much.
As well as this rewrite, I personally thought my writing was too explicit in places. I was reassured this was okay for the most part as I am working with a 5 minute script having a very short and finite amount of time to get the story across. In this case it is more forgivable for characters to simply say what they mean or feel, to some extent. I justified this in many places over my script but one piece in particular I felt had been too explicit and didn’t hold the emotional value I wanted it to.
Originally, this was:
VINCENT
Time and time again you have continued to choose your work over me. You have been a terrible Mother and I have never said a word about it. I have loved you for years without getting anything in return.
Without being as explicit as saying Nina is a terrible Mother and wife, I rewrote this to:
VINCENT
Time and time again you have continued to choose your work over me. You don't even see your daughter. I take her to school, I take her to dance lessons, I help with the homework. I do this because I love you and I love her but I've never got anything back.
This rewrite still gets the statement across that Nina is a terrible Mother and wife, but more than this it makes Vincent’s character more believable. It shows there has been a build up of years of resentment, with Vincent’s agreeableness leading to an unhappy life for him, not ever being resentful towards Nina until now, where everything is at stake. The emotion feels more real and less generalised. We can see Vincent has taken care of their family and Nina has never felt truly fulfilled by it, neglecting her family duties. It shows this isn’t a new thing, which is exactly what I am trying to get across.
In conclusion, since audience feedback I have been able to create a screenplay which better encompasses the narrative and message I am trying to convey with First Draft. The rewrites have been incredibly important thinking about every word choice and how it contributes to telling my story. First Draft now not only tells a story but sends a message.
